


under still water

by eightlyn



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Craquaria - Freeform, M/M, literally everyone in s10, nonAU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-05-26 15:20:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15003722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eightlyn/pseuds/eightlyn
Summary: Aquaria and Miz Cracker haven't seen each other in a long time. But now that they've found themselves in the same season of Drag Race, they're forced to confront the reasons behind their separation... and the new feelings their reunion brings.Or: A very canonical exploration into their relationship, complete with developing romantic feelings, unrequited love, eventual smut, all that fun basic bitch stuff.





	1. intro

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is an introduction with the first part based around Miz Cracker, and the second Aquaria. After that they’ll come together and the story will really start. So basically the first chapter is mirrored from their different perspectives, but the other chapters won’t be like that.
> 
> Also names and pronouns are reflected by what the narrative calls for. They change when needed.

Life could be cruel. Life loved to play jokes on you. There was a point where Maxwell Heller was convinced his joke was about to be over. All he could seem to do was further destroy the life he had, the life he was ruining.

He spent most of his early twenties lost and alone…and drunk. The only things that gave him comfort were also the things that were destroying him. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, and rarely did he admit it to himself, but the destructive behavior didn’t scare him because maybe he wanted to be destroyed. Maybe a part of him saw it very fitting that his end would be in the most volatile way possible.

An unexpected savior came in the form of a six foot two Shaquille O’Neal in heels. Finding Bob was the best accident of his life, one he often credited to _saving_ his life. When he finally stepped into Bob’s world of drag, the transformative power of it stunned him. Drag allowed him to be the absolute, most realized version of himself. This was something he was proud to do, something that sparked the life back into his decaying body and mind. He would forever be grateful to Bob for showing him how to access his best self.

He was finally living a life that was meaningful to him, and while his self esteem wasn’t completely recovered, it was progressing in the right direction. Every time he became Miz Cracker he found it a little easier to be Maxwell Heller. It would be a long process to fully heal his heart and soul, but at least he was starting the journey.

His heart felt like it would burst with pride when he watched Bob win season 8 of RuPaul’s Drag Race. He knew Bob deserved it, and he was so happy to see everyone else finally knew it, too.

When he finally made it onto the show two years later, the pressure was crippling. It was no secret that a big insecurity of his was the possibility of people thinking he couldn’t live up to his drag mother; that he would always be in her shadow; that he was second rate, unworthy.

But he went in with a determined mindset. Fuck them and fuck that. He made it to the top in the New York drag scene for a reason. Winning would be nice, but he was really there to prove that he deserved to be. He wanted to show people he _wasn’t_ second rate, he could hold his own.

That was his only goal and he knew he would accomplish it. All he had to do was keep true to who he was. What got him there in the first place would surely be what made it possible for him to succeed. He just had to be himself and all would be fine.

It only took one word to completely throw him off his game, mere minutes after the competition had even started.

“Bonjour!”

Oh god. He knew that voice.

In strolled tall, confident Aquaria, clad completely in red. It had been a while since he last saw her and, to be honest, he wasn’t thrilled to see that streak was breaking. He worked hard to make sure the cameras couldn’t detect his emotions, only letting his face fall a little bit.

“Sorry to keep you waiting!”

As he watched Aquaria pose for the cameras, the only thing he could think was why. Why did Aquaria have to be here. It wasn’t too surprising given Aquaria’s popularity in New York and recent surge of popularity online, but did it really have to be the same season as him? Why did they both end up here, together? Life was cruel. It played jokes on you.

He knew what this would entail. And before he could even pray that it maybe it wouldn’t, Dusty was already exclaiming, “Cracker, your twin is here!” Ugh. Great. “It’s battle between the twins, y’all!”

He looked over to Dusty, part of his expression deadpan, part in disbelief.

“Who are the twins?” he heard Asia ask.

“Cracker and Aquaria!” Dusty answered, well mannered mischief in her voice.

Cracker just blinked. God damn Dusty. She knew how much of an issue this was back home, did she really have to bring it up here. And _immediately_ at that?

Thankfully, Monet mirrored what Cracker was thinking. “I can’t, I quit,” she said before getting up and walking away, refusing to take part in this conversation.

Cracker wished he could walk away too, but Aquaria was done posing and was making her way over to them. And because Cracker was the closest, it was him that she greeted first.

They gave a half hearted air kiss and embrace, and Cracker wondered if Aquaria was just as disappointed to see him here as he her.

If she was, she didn’t show it. The other girls immediately started asking her about her popularity online and she seemed all to eager to answer, like she didn’t have another care in the world.

 _Well_ , Cracker thought somewhat bitterly, _she is talking about herself. Her favorite subject._

“Let’s just throw a crown on it!” he heard her declare and had to suppress an eyeroll.

He wasn’t going to pretend part of the aversion he felt for her wasn’t personal. Once upon a time they were friends, a time he really enjoyed and was grateful for. She taught him so much and he honestly cherished their friendship. Which made the way it ended so hard to accept. One day they were fine and the next Aquaria was ignoring his calls. Everything went unanswered and, after a while, he could take the hint. But it was left as an open wound, never healed. There was no explanation, no closure. He moved on and left Aquaria in the past, but he never understood why he had to.

Now that the universe had brought them together again, there was a possibility their past turmoil would be brought to the present. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to face it.

Luckily, the video message played not long after and it was time to focus on the real task at hand. He had no doubt that the twin controversy would rear its ugly head again soon, but that didn’t matter. What mattered now was that he started what he came here to do. It was time to prove he deserved the recognition he had acquired, and now he deserved more.

Aquaria could wait. Forever, for all he cared.

\--

Aquaria didn’t call to his attention again until after the challenge was over. He was still so high from the emotional backlash of getting such high praises only to be declared safe, that he almost missed the discussion at hand. It wasn’t until his name was brought up that he truly paid attention.

“Someone brought up the fact that Cracker and my face looked very similar today…may have had some… situations like that in the past…like it doesn’t bother me…it’s no like…it…”

Cracker watched, now fully alert, as Aquaria struggled to get through the sentence. He nodded politely. Of course he had noticed their similar eyebrows, but that was the only similarity between their makeup. If he had hoped it wouldn’t be brought up, that hope was gone now.

It appeared the situation wouldn’t die down easily though, as Vixen was quick to call Aquaria out, cutting her off and noting that she was, in fact, bothered, and she should admit it.

Aquaria was mumbling, looking lost, and trying to defend herself as everyone shouted around her. Cracker felt a little bad for her, but not bad enough to not be angry about the accusation.

“Aquaria,” he spoke calmly. “I would never do something like that to you on purpose.” And it was true. His inspiration for the look was a past photo of himself. He didn’t even notice Aquaria’s eyebrows until long after their makeup was done.

But Aquaria still looked lost and confused. And kind of like she was going to cry.

Any sympathy Cracker felt for her was rapidly being burned off when Aquaria and Vixen started fighting. He wasn’t sure who to believe, but it honestly didn’t matter. The facts were laid out onto the table for everyone to see. Aquaria thought he copied her. No, she didn’t just think that he copied her, she alleged, on national television, he had been copying her for _years._

Words couldn’t express how angry he was. He came here to prove he wasn’t second rate, and now here, in episode one, he was being told not only was he second rate to Aquaria, but that he faked his way to that position.

Aquaria made her way across the room, clearly afraid of the confrontation and through with the discussion. As the other girls started to disperse as well, Cracker rolled his eyes and wandered over to his station.

He tried to keep a passive face. Looking too defensive would just read bad on the cameras. As long as he acted like the accusation wasn’t a big deal, maybe everyone else would believe it wasn’t.

The girls chattered as they got out of drag and ready to film their confessionals for the day. Cracker was too absorbed in planning a cute confessional outfit that showcased who he was as a boy to really hear anything anyone else was saying. Or notice when Aquaria sauntered over to him, looking meek and nervous. Cracker only glanced up when he was standing in front of him. He looked him over briefly, noticing his confessional outfit consisted of just a red velour turtleneck. This was the outfit you had to wear for every single one of your confessionals throughout the whole season. It was a little surprising that Aquaria, the look queen, went so basic.

Right now, Cracker honestly couldn’t care what Aquaria wore. And he was willing to bet he wouldn’t care about whatever he was about to tell him. All he could think of was how America was going to react to him after everything that happened. He didn’t particularly care about anything Aquaria could possibly have to say at the moment.

“Do you have a second?” Aquaria asked, shifting and looking uncomfortable.

Cracker tried not to let the annoyance show on his face. “Sure,” he said, trying to be professional. “But just a quick one. I still have to change.”

Aquaria nodded, looking at the ground and shuffling. Cracker stared at him expectantly. He was about to speak again when Aquaria finally glanced back up and quietly said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t… mean it…like it…sounded.”

It was apparent that he meant it by how anxious he seemed. But Cracker still wasn’t entirely ready to hear it. He was trying very hard to not let this ruin the experience of his first day, but it wasn’t easy. He had barely gotten his foot in the door before his reputation and dignity were tarnished. It wasn’t fair. And, as far as he was concerned, it was Aquaria’s fault. An apology was the least he could do, but it wasn’t enough. Not right now.

“It’s fine,” he spoke automatically, voice flat, and not meaning a word of it. 

Aquaria sighed and nervously twisted his fingers together. “No, it isn’t. I was just frustrated, and when they asked me about it backstage, I just aired it all out. I _was_ kind of bothered, but just because I didn’t want it to become a whole big thing like it is back home.”

Cracker understood what he meant, even if he did stumble and stutter through the sentence. He didn’t want to be compared to him either. Which was why he had been so irritated when Dusty immediately took it there two seconds after Aquaria walked into the room. But that had been a joke, an inside one at that, and it hadn’t been mentioned again. Not until…

“The funny thing about that is,” he began, looking Aquaria in the eye and keeping his voice level. “If you didn’t bring it up, it probably wouldn’t have become one.” He seriously doubted the people watching at home would have accused him of copying Aquaria’s whole career based solely on the shape of their _eyebrows._ It’s not like Aquaria invented upturned eyebrows.

Aquaria looked so guilty and sad it almost made Cracker pity him. Almost. “I guess you’re right,” he muttered, eyes drifting back down to his feet.

It was kind of ridiculous just how nonconfrontational Aquaria was, and how hard he backtracked once confrontation did happen. It was obvious how much peoples’ opinions mattered to him, even if he pretended they didn’t.

Cracker sighed. “I told you it was fine. Let’s just agree to move on and be professional from here on out, okay?”

He held out a hand to seal the deal with a handshake, but Aquaria just stared at it blankly. It was hard to tell because he had looked on the verge of tears ever since the conflict happened, but Cracker thought he could just barely make out the way his eyes welled up as he stared at the hand extended to him.

Finally, he took it, shaking lightly and muttering a soft, “Okay.”

His reaction was a little puzzling, but before Cracker could say anything else, Aquaria turned and was walking away. 

* * *

 

No one could say Giovanni didn’t work hard. He had been working for this for as long as he could. His teenage years were spent saving all the money he came by to be able to move to New York. He worked hard in school to get into FIT, and he worked hard there too… the year and week he attended.

After that it was full time drag, which was what he always wanted anyway. It was a struggle to make rent sometimes, but he worked every possible gig he could. Even if the pay was terrible, any type of exposure would eventually work in his favor.

This was what he wanted to do with his life, so the hard times would have to be pushed through.

He was proud to be able to say he did. His name was known to everyone in the New York drag scene, and, thanks to his makeup prowess and the power of Instagram, he was quite well known on the internet as well.

The next step, the goal from the beginning, was to conquer RuPaul’s Drag Race. And now here he was, about to do just that. He put on a brave, confident face to everyone he knew, but on the inside he was petrified.

His whole mantra of being a superstar was born when he was actually a nobody. He fully believed that as it is said, so shall it be. If he kept saying he was a star, if he kept believing it, then other people eventually would too.

That didn’t mean he wasn’t afraid he would end up failing and embarrassing himself horribly. Sure, he was confident enough to believe his talents would allow him to excel at the challenges, but still, at night when he was trying to sleep, the thoughts of not living up to expectations would haunt him. If he went on the show and proved that he wasn’t anything special, that he was mediocre, or even a flake, it would be detrimental to his budding career. This thought was the source of many of his nightmares.

But he was brave. And nothing could keep him from trying to capture this dream he had been chasing for so long. He made it onto the show, that was step one. Now it was time to show why he belonged there. He was ready.

It was with the utmost confidence that he strut into the work room, the same room he had seen dozens of times on tv. He didn’t have time to compare the fantasy to the reality of the situation, or reminisce on how many times he dreamt about this moment; it was show time. He made sure to feature all of his best angles as he posed for the cameras. He could hear the other girls cheering, but he didn’t pay attention to what they were saying. He was too focused on the most important thing: making sure he looked good.

When he got the signal that he could move on, he turned to greet the others. He could definitely recognize Yuhua and her screeching, but when his eyes landed on another very familiar face he almost wanted to stop right in his tracks.

Miz Cracker. Great. He already knew where this would head.

He was aware the cameras were capturing his every move, so he didn’t let any of the apprehension he was feeling show. He greeted Cracker politely, just as he did with everyone else. This wasn’t about Cracker or their history together, this was about him.

It was his time to shine. The drama with Miz Cracker could wait.

It had been a long time since he had last seen her, or even so much as thought of her. It wasn’t like he hated her. They were friends and he enjoyed working with her. She was silly and funny and so much fun to talk to and be around. But the more they worked together, the more similar they became, especially in the looks department. He knew it was partially his fault for being the one who taught her makeup tricks, but the more people compared them, the more bitter he became.

He wouldn’t admit it, but bitter wasn’t the only thing he felt. Miz Cracker was so good at connecting with people, that’s what drag was about to her. She could make people fall in love with her just using her wits and words. To be told she had his looks too made him… jealous.

Appearance was the only way he felt he could truly draw in and connect to his audience. He didn’t have Cracker’s way with words. And to be told that she had so much more than him, on top of also having the thing he was most known for, it made him extremely insecure. Every time someone compared them all he could hear was how much better she was; how much she excelled in the things he faltered at, how much broader her talents were. And so, by comparison, he fell to the way side. He would never be able to compete with someone who did everything he couldn’t _and_ everything he could.

It hurt. So he ignored her.

He felt guilty, letting all of her calls go to voicemail, responding to her texts with one word, or none at all. It wasn’t her fault, he knew she didn’t do it on purpose. But he couldn’t keep entertaining their friendship, not when it made him feel so inferior.  

The more distance between them, the less he had to hear the comparisons. The more distance between them, the less he had to face his own shortcomings.

It still angered him whenever he would hear the occasional comment from mutual friends or colleagues. Especially if they told him the details of what Cracker was doing, details that matched his own too intimately. Whether it was coincidence or not, the more he heard about it the angrier he got. Why couldn’t she just stick to her gig and let him have his?

As soon as he saw her in the work room he knew it would mean more comparisons and more twin talk. It wasn’t something he was looking forward to. But if he was honest, that wasn’t the part about her presence here that caused him the most unease. It was the fact he would have to face the guilt of cutting her off with no explanation. A good friend- a good person- would at least have given her that much.

For now, he focused on the goal: do well in this challenge and all of the rest. He surrounded himself with familiar faces, Monet and Yuhua, while he worked on designing this Drag on a Dime look. His mind was on the game, not Miz Cracker.

That changed when, a couple of minutes into painting his face, he looked up and saw her reflection behind him in the mirror. A wave of heat flashed through his system, part embarrassment, part anger. Really? Already? It was the very first runway and they were already identical.

He couldn’t help but trail off midsentence and voice his disbelief. “Are we both doing like the same brows now, too?”

Once the other girls confirmed he wasn’t alone in seeing this, he became more vocal about it.

“It’s a common…moment,” he said in response to Mayhem’s inquiry about whether this was frequent. He was irritated but right now he needed to focus on creating a face that went with his outfit. This conversation could wait.

“Oh, we’re gonna talk about it.” And he fully intended to.

\--

The subject came up again while the safe girls were waiting backstage. He fully let his frustration known, spilling out everything that had been bottling up ever since he decided to break contact with her.

“Now that we’re in season 10 together, I think it’s something to address.” And as soon as he walked in and saw her standing there, he knew it would be.

It felt good to finally talk about it, to have someone be on his side for once and see where he was coming from.

The relief came crashing down when he heard Vixen say, “…She’s faked it all the way to RuPaul’s Drag Race season 10.”

The guilt sparked up again and his face fell. That wasn’t what he meant.

Thankfully, Monet was quick to jump to Cracker’s defense. “That’s not fair! Cracker has not faked it to be on RuPaul’s Drag Race by any stretch!”

“That’s very true,” he quickly agreed. He just wanted to let his frustration out with people who would listen, not create a bunch of enemies for her. Or put her career’s integrity in question.

He felt worse when Vixen explained that that was just what she concluded from the discussion they had just had. He swallowed uncomfortably. That wasn’t his intention, but she was right. That was what he made it sound like.

He sat silently as Vixen and Monet went back and forth. Now not only did he feel guilty about how their friendship had ended, but he felt guilty about tarnishing her reputation as a drag queen, on day one, in front of everyone, when she wasn’t even here to defend herself.

A change in the subject was a blessing. Anything to distract him from how bad he suddenly felt.

\--

It didn’t last long. As soon as they were back in the work room, and Kalorie had wiped off Vanessa’s mirror message, they sat down to do their usual debriefing. It wasn’t long before the subject was brought up again.

He couldn’t look Cracker in the eyes. He couldn’t look at her at all. “Someone brought up the fact that Cracker and my face looked very similar today…may have had some… situations like that in the past…like it doesn’t bother me…it’s no like…it…”

“No!” The Vixen exclaimed, cutting him off. “Too vague! So what happened was…”

The girls started yelling as Vixen tried to explain the situation fully. He sat there stunned while the noise exploded around him. Trying to defend himself was futile, his voice was too small against everyone else’s.

“Aquaria,” he heard Cracker say. His eyes flickered up to meet hers, and she looked so sincerely soft it made him feel worse. “I would never do something like that to you on purpose.”

He couldn’t look at her anymore. It was easy to look away when Vixen was commanding his attention so forcefully.

“You were mad! Be mad to her face!”

His anger peaked. This wasn’t how he wanted this to go.

“Vixen, shut the fuck up!”

He meant it, but he was all too aware the person he was really mad at was himself. It wasn’t Vixen’s fault for bringing Cracker the truth; it was his fault for letting the conversation get out of hand to begin with. He just wanted to vent. He didn’t mean for it to end with such a harsh accusation against someone he used to call a friend.  

At any rate, he was over it. He wanted out of this drag and out of this conversation. He didn’t care when Vixen called him ‘scared and sad’ for running away. Maybe she was right.

\--

It didn’t take him long to pick out a confessional outfit, he actually already had this one planned. A simple Versace sweater would go well with his one good Versace joke.

But he couldn’t keep his mind from wandering back to the altercation while he waited for everyone to change so they could leave to do the interviews. Too much was weighing on him and he had to do something.

Summoning all the courage he could muster, he took a deep breath and made his way over to where Cracker was laying out different bowties, appearing to be choosing between them. He looked up at him briefly and Aquaria almost lost his nerve. But he was here now. No turning back.

“Do you have a second?” He tried to conceal how nervous he was feeling, but he didn’t think he was doing a good job at it.

Cracker looked back up at him. Whatever he was feeling, he didn’t let it show. “Sure,” his voice was level, unwavering. “But just a quick one. I still have to change.”

Aquaria nodded, but it occurred to him that he didn’t really have a plan of what to say. He stared at his feet, trying to make the right words come to him. He didn’t want to be stuttering through this sentence, too.

He started with the most important part. It was the only thing he could think of. “I’m sorry.” He glanced back up. “I didn’t… mean it…like it…sounded.”

Cracker’s response was instant. “It’s fine.” He was clearly speaking professionally, with no real emotional value placed into his words.

Aquaria let out a breath, shifting and wringing his fingers together. “No, it isn’t. I was just frustrated, and when they asked me about it backstage, I just aired it all out. I _was_ kind of bothered, but just because I didn’t want it to become a whole big thing like it is back home.” He internally winced at how disjointed he sounded, but he had to get it all out.

“The funny thing about that is,” Cracker started, staring him down, looking and sounding calm. “If you didn’t bring it up, it probably wouldn’t have become one.”

Heat surged up his neck and he hoped Cracker couldn’t tell how his face fell from the surprise of that statement. Fuck. He was right. And it made him feel even worse.

This entire mess he found himself in was caused by him and no one else. And he had dragged Cracker into it too. It wasn’t enough that he had to blow him off and hurt him by severing their friendship without warning, but now he had to do this to him too.

The guilt was overwhelming. His eyes fell. It was too hard to keep looking at his face of stone.

“I guess you’re right,” he mumbled.

He could hear Cracker sigh, and he hoped he was imagining how irritated the older queen sounded, but he knew he wasn’t. “I told you it was fine. Let’s just agree to move on and be professional from here on out, okay?”

A hand being held out to him made him glance back up. He stared forward blankly, thoughts running through his head. This wasn’t how he wanted this to go either. There were so many other things he wanted to say. He wanted Cracker to know why he drifted away from him, and why he was so bothered by the copycat accusations, but that would mean admitting a deep insecurity. He wanted Cracker to understand. His intentions weren’t to hurt him, but that’s obviously what he did.

He didn’t even know where to begin.

He blinked rapidly, praying Cracker didn’t notice how his eyes were suddenly watering. Hoping it would be a distraction, he took his hand, shaking halfheartedly and whispering, “Okay.”

He didn’t wait for a response, or even look back up before he was turning and walking away. He didn’t need Cracker to see him look so pathetic.

The only silver lining was at least the cameras weren’t rolling. He could hope no one noticed, but he knew Cracker wasn’t that dense. But if he did notice, he knew he wouldn’t say anything. He was too considerate to embarrass Aquaria in front of everyone by bringing it up.

Even if he didn’t deserve it.


	2. hostage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> perspective based pronouns were giving me trouble, so the general rule is now drag status ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

No matter how hard Cracker tried to move on, the bitterness she felt about the situation continued to eat at her until it grew into a strong form of resentment. She found Aquaria’s reaction to their truce somewhat perplexing, but it didn’t change that fact that her introduction to America had been tainted by her.

It also didn’t help that the next day, Aquaria and Asia decided to turn into the most obnoxious showboats in the work room, walking around constantly bragging about how perfect their team was and how they were for sure going to win.

None of Cracker’s team wanted to admit it out loud, but they thought they might be right. The second they saw the other team practicing their choreography, before they were even _assigned_ choreography, there was a condemned feeling planted inside them. Hearing Aquaria and Asia being so sure of themselves only added to it.

And, for her, it only added to the current distaste she held for Aquaria. Going into the competition with their shaky history already had her wary. Aquaria’s attitude these first few days just proved she had something to be wary of.

It was a surprise to everyone when Ru announced her team as the winners. They were stunned but ecstatic. It felt like well earned recognition for how hard they worked and how much heart they put into their performance.

And maybe it was petty, but it felt good to see Aquaria lose when she was so cocky and sure she was going to win.

As much as she wished it didn’t, her accusation was still really getting to her. She found herself being silent in Untucked. Thoughts of how the world would react to her, of whose side the audience would take, of everyone hating her, consumed her head.

When the others joined them backstage, she noticed Aquaria was also unusually quiet, headphones always in her ears. She didn’t look worried, but she didn’t look content either. It made Cracker wonder what her critiques were like, and whether she was afraid she would be lip syncing tonight. She tried not to let herself feel satisfied about that thought. She knew Aquaria didn’t actually do badly in the challenge. Her personal resentment had no say here. 

Did she really deserve to go home just for embarrassing her in front of the world? Hmm…

Meanwhile, Aquaria had been trying to push everything about Cracker to the back of her mind. If she ignored the fact she felt so guilty then maybe she would stop feeling it. She didn’t know what to say to remedy the situation, or even how to talk to her at all, so she didn’t. 

This competition was too important to her to half ass it, so she put all of her energy and effort into doing well. And she thought she was doing a good job at that, until Vixen’s team was announced as the winners. She politely clapped for them, but she couldn’t help but notice Cracker’s reaction. She didn’t look happy, although Aquaria was sure she felt it. She just looked…normal, the same composed manner she held herself yesterday when the yelling started. She found that interesting. It seemed like she was very good at keeping her emotions from being displayed on her face. That would make it very hard to read what she was thinking and feeling.

Aquaria wished she could do the same. Her emotions were an open book, so very easy to read. Which was why she was working hard to make sure she didn’t let her disappointment at not winning the challenge show. It’s not like she was angry, she was happy for them, but she would be happier for herself.

She spent most of Untucked quiet, keeping to herself and listening to the lip sync music. She didn’t necessarily think her critiques were bad, certainly not bad enough to land her in the bottom two, but anything could happen with this show. It was extremely unpredictable, and she refused to be caught unprepared. She would make sure she knew the words every week, no matter how well she felt she did.

It wasn’t that she was hiding by being in the back of the room, she just wanted to listen to the song in peace. Everyone else was loudly arguing about which team should have won and she didn’t feel the need to be involved in that discussion. She only looked up when Eureka left the room in tears, Kalorie and Mayhem following close behind.

When things seemed calmer she made her way back to her seat, intent of contributing at least something to this episode, even if it was just to brag about looking like Linda Evangelista.

A jolt of surprise made her jump slightly when an unexpected voice from her right started addressing her.

“Do you think you’re lip syncing?” Cracker asked, eyeing the headphones she was fumbling in her hands.

She nearly dropped them at the question. The angle of her chair and the couch Cracker was sitting on made it to where they were practically sitting next to each other, but the older queen hadn’t said much their entire time backstage. And she definitely didn’t expect her to say anything to her, of all people.

“Um,” she looked down, trying to detangle the wires. “Not really, but you never know with Ru, you know?” She looked back up, giving a big smile, hoping to convey the message that everything was good between them, that she wasn’t bothered.

Cracker nodded. “Oh definitely. If Ru wanted all seven of you to lip sync, you would kind of have to.” She started grinning. “If Ru wanted all seven of you to fist fight it out on the stage, you would kind of have to.”

She laughed a little too loudly at that. God, she hoped Cracker couldn’t see through how hard she was trying to convince her (and herself) that everything was okay.

Monet and Asia yelling about the sponge dress was a welcome distraction. She laughed along with everyone else until the five minute warning was given and they had to line back up.

She didn’t know what to make of Cracker’s attempt at conversation with her, but she hoped it was a good thing.

Cracker stood up, making her way to line up and head back to the stage. Aquaria’s answer seemed genuine but her actions seemed forced. She couldn’t blame her. Her actions were forced, too. Her only motivation was to try to find out what Aquaria thought about her own performance. Everything else was just fluff to try to disguise her intentions.

While she did want to give the impression she wasn’t angry by what she accused her of anymore, she knew it was a lie. Her accusation had the potential to really fuck up her career. It wasn’t an easy thing to forgive. And it was kind of messing with her head, always trying to decide what other people would think about it.

But by the next day she decided fuck it. Whether people hated or loved her was not something she could dictate, so why bother sulking and moping around worrying about it. She couldn’t control how other people would react to the situation, but she could control how she did.

She wasn’t here to provide a storyline for Aquaria, she was here to be the star of her own. So fuck Aquaria’s copycat storyline, and fuck Aquaria. She worked so hard to get here, she wasn’t going to let her ruin it. There were more important things to focus on.

Kalorie was gone and today another one would be joining her. It wasn’t going to be her.

For the challenge she ended up with Blair and Vixen, her favorite teammates. Eureka was there too, but it was a pleasant surprise how well she worked with them. She thought they had the best app and the best chances at winning. If only they’d been judged in teams instead of individually…

The safe girls went backstage, and she was just happy to still be here. And to take off these damn heels.

When Monique called Aquaria and Vixen to make amends for their earlier fight, she jumped at the opportunity to finally have a word in. She had heard it when they argued in the work room, but she kept well out of it. She didn’t have a leg in that fight, there was no reason for her to get involved. It was interesting to listen to though.

Now she could share her two cents …and maybe express how she felt about Aquaria’s actions without it coming across as being about her personal experience.

“You are a provocative person,” she said to Vixen before turning to look at Aquaria. It surprised her to see her looking back so intently. And to see that she looked so…devastated. “And you are a provocative person.” She looked away, ignoring the sorrow in Aquaria’s eyes and continuing. “And I have seen you guys push people’s buttons, and if you were dumb it would be a different thing.” She turned back to see she still looked miserable, eyes glassy but never breaking contact with her own. She tried to lighten her tone. “But you cunt, are very smart. And you know exactly where the scab is and where to put the salt.” She hoped it wasn’t obvious that she was referencing more than just Aquaria’s fight with Vixen. She didn’t want to come across as still bitter…even if she was.

She looked back at Vixen. “And you are wild and will press every button until you find the right one.” She took a deep breath, trailing off. “I can’t. It’s crazy.”

She sat back as Vixen started explaining her actions, watching as Aquaria tried to do the same. Try being the keyword. She already wasn’t very articulate with her words, but couple that with trying to compete with Vixen’s powerful assertive ones, and she was basically drowning. It was kind of sad to watch.

“Aquaria,” she spoke up again, choosing her words carefully. She wanted to say what she was thinking, but in a way that was meant to be helpful, not hurtful. “I feel like you goad people sometimes, and say things to set people off...” Maybe if she was confronted with how her behavior came across, she would change it.

It was confirmation that she wasn’t alone in thinking this when Monique added her own experience with it.

Aquaria still looked sad, but also compliant. “Okay.” Cracker couldn’t see her face clearly but she could hear it when her voice quivered. “I probably don’t present it very well either.” She sounded like she was battling the urge to cry.

Dusty started then, saying that before Drag Race, Aquaria had been “cunty and standoffish” to her. Cracker wasn’t surprised to hear it because in the most recent times of their preshow relationship, Aquaria had been that way to her too.

Aquaria tried to explain that she didn’t mean it that way, that she meant it as lighthearted shade, not a negative comment. But when everyone pointed out that Vixen did the same thing, it was clear Aquaria lost the ability to put her thoughts into words.

Cracker watched as she stumbled, her words becoming more broken until her voice broke too and a sob slipped out.

Everyone looked surprised at her sudden emotional outburst. But to Cracker it was blindingly apparent her lack of communication skills was her biggest insecurity. To be so massively misunderstood, to the point of coming across as mean or nasty, is what caused her to be so distressed. And when she couldn’t properly explain this, the only thing left for her to do was cry.

People started loudly talking over each other, essentially telling Aquaria how she should be feeling and how she should react. But Cracker was silent.

She watched Aquaria try to speak again. “This is not the conversation I ever wanted to-” was all she got out before she started crying again.

Cracker was stunned into silence when Vixen started forcefully addressing her again, and Aquaria tried desperately to agree with what she was saying.

It seemed like Vixen wasn’t having it though. “So what I’m saying is,” she looked Aquaria dead in the eye and stressed each word she said, “Leave. Me. Alone.”

Silence fell over the room.

It was only broken when Aquaria started sobbing loudly into the tissue in her hands.

As much animosity Cracker still felt toward her, a wave of pity washed over her. It was obvious Aquaria was insecure about and having trouble with this, and having everyone come at her for it only made her feel worse.

She didn’t want to take sides, and she thought Vixen was right. But she could also tell Aquaria didn’t have any ill intent with her earlier words. Unfortunately for her, her lack of communication skills made it hard to tell sometimes. She wasn’t doing it to be cruel.

Against her better judgement, Aquaria’s reaction to being misunderstood made Cracker feel sorry for her. She might have still held some reservations about her, but she didn’t deserve to cry over this.

She sat there feeling uncomfortable when Vixen said, “I can’t with the fucking tears. It’s so gross.”

Monet tried to comfort Aquaria, and Monique started confronting Vixen. But Cracker didn’t have anything to say until it was quiet again and Aquaria’s sobbing had died down.

“Okay, if I could make a request.” She spoke clearly, knowing exactly what she wanted to say after having remained silent for so long. “If you could come at people at a five instead of a ten,” She was addressing Vixen, and she wasn’t surprised when she was interrupted. But she kept going. “Wait. Try to…” Vixen immediately interrupted again. But she wanted to be heard. She didn’t know why but a part of her felt the need to defend Aquaria. Seeing her look so small and broken felt odd, especially when compared to the confident, large at life queen she knew Aquaria was. Even if she was still skeptical of her, she understood what Aquaria was feeling, and she needed an ally.

Aquaria jumped in surprise, eyes flying over to Cracker when she slammed her drink down loudly. It had been somewhat startling when she had begun speaking in the first place, and her aggression only added to it. She had been so silent during the whole altercation Aquaria had almost forgot she was there. She was the last person she expected to come to her defense.

“Can you let me finish a goddamn sentence, you’re gonna make me throw shit. Ah!” She screamed, making a gesture with her hands to show how frustrated she felt. Her words did a good enough job at that though, and they only got louder as she spoke. “Don’t. Fucking. Escalate. Because this is hard enough as it is!”

Aquaria sat there in stunned silence, mouth slightly open. She didn’t know what to think when Vixen started talking over Cracker again, both of them yelling. She stole glances at Cracker, confused by her intentions. She thought that Cracker and Vixen were becoming good friends. Why would she go against her friend… for her? It didn’t make sense, but she was thankful.

The argument was going nowhere and she could see Cracker getting more and more irritated before giving up. Aquaria blinked dumbly, staring at her while she sat there looking at her nails in an aggravated silence.

The sound of the returning girls made her tear her eyes away, thankfully before she was caught staring.

When the other girls asked what happened, the issue was marked as resolved, but her heart still felt heavy. This was essentially her worst fear. She knew her inability to communicate clearly would cause problems, but she didn’t want it to cause such severe ones. Episode one it was Cracker, episode three Vixen. If she couldn’t even properly express herself to the people she was working with, she couldn’t imagine how poorly she would be received by everyone watching. They would hate her. All because of a couple of misunderstandings.

It occurred to her that this is how Cracker must have felt when she realized her career would be questioned by the audience. The realization made her feel terrible. She wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

She didn’t deserve to have Cracker stick up for her, and she certainly didn’t understand why she did.

There was new drama to focus on when Monique felt thrown under the bus by her teammates, but nothing could distract her from how bad she felt. She stayed silent, eyes down, the rest of the time backstage.

It was sad to see her New York sister Yuhua go home, but it had to be someone.

When they were back in the work room, she immediately pulled off her wig and they all sat down to debrief. She chose a seat in the corner, keeping to herself and sulking. She was so absorbed in her thoughts and how badly she was feeling, she didn’t pay attention to what anyone was saying.

But she heard it all too clearly when Vixen said, “Now don’t anybody give her shit for borrowing those gloves though.”

The room exploded in noise as everyone laughed and shouted in amusement. She said nothing.

Cracker glanced at Aquaria after the initial outburst. Her eyes were downcast and she made no effort to participate in what was happening. She still looked so absolutely miserable. It was a sorry sight. Cracker’s attention was drawn back to the group when Monique and Mayhem started arguing.

She noticed when Aquaria was the first one to stand up to dedrag. She walked off alone, not looking at anyone. As everyone started to disperse to go do the same, she decided it was probably best to just leave her alone with her thoughts. She had just been through enough altercations for one day, she probably wanted to be alone.

The cameras stopped rolling and it was time to change into their confessional looks and get ready to go tape them.  

As Cracker pulled out her shirt and bowtie, her ears caught a distinct sound, one she had just heard not long ago. She looked around to find the source of the sound.

Aquaria was standing in Monet’s station, half way out of drag, crying while Monet rubbed her arms, trying to comfort her. “Aquaria, it’s not that serious, come on girl.” She heard Monet say quietly.

She could barely make it out when Aquaria whispered in a quivering voice. “I fucked up. I fucked up everything so badly.” She paused to draw in a shaky breath. “I managed to fuck up my entire reputation. Everyone hates me. Cracker hates me and now Vixen hates me, too. This isn’t how I wanted this to go.” She ended with a sob.

Cracker blinked in surprise at the mention of her name. What was more surprising was the context. Not only did Aquaria think she hated her, but this thought bothered her, enough to make her cry again.

She was shocked, she had no idea what to do or think. She didn’t _hate_ Aquaria, she was just mad at her. Thinking back to her treatment of her the past couple of days, she could see how she might think that though. It made her feel a little guilty. Just because she was hurt, it didn’t mean she had to cause others to feel hurt too.

She saw it when Monet crushed Aquaria in a tight hug. “No one hates you, boo. It’s all in your head. And this was only episode three, you have time to prove who you really are. Don’t take this so hard and don’t you dare give up.” Aquaria just sobbed, returning the hug weakly.

Cracker was grateful Monet was there to be her ever helpful self, because even though she wanted to say something to Aquaria, she had no idea what it was. At least she had Monet.

She drifted away, not wanting to eavesdrop anymore, and feeling terrible, even though she didn’t fully understand why. She had every right to be mad at Aquaria, so why did she suddenly feel so shitty?

\---

Cracker spent the entire night in his hotel room thinking it over. Every reason he had to hate Aquaria was valid, but the more he thought about it, the guiltier he felt. Aquaria was young, twelve years younger than him, and very impressionable. She was very fucking confident and cocky, but only with her looks. The longer he worked with her, the more Cracker realized that she was insecure about nearly everything else, especially how she connected to others. And everything that had transpired between them only added to her reasoning for having that insecurity.

Yes, Aquaria’s accusation made him feel like shit, but thinking that he was trying to steal the only thing Aquaria was proud of probably made her feel shitty too. For the first time since it happened, Cracker was beginning to understand why Aquaria was so bothered by it. This was all she felt she had. If someone tried to take that away, she would understandably get defensive.

He realized he never really assured Aquaria that wasn’t the case. They never really talked about it at all actually. The only thing they did was agree to be professional. That clearly wasn’t enough if there was still this much miscommunication between them. He needed to tell Aquaria everything he was thinking. And, after hearing what she said to Monet today, he needed to tell her he didn’t hate her.

He lay in bed thinking of ways to casually bring it up. Not only did he not want Aquaria to know he had overheard her conversation with Monet, but he also didn’t want her to read too much into his reassurance. He didn’t know why but the thought of Aquaria latching onto that made him nervous. The thought of Aquaria latching onto him in any way made him nervous. He fell asleep before he could figure out why.

\---

The next morning Aquaria’s mood seemed to have improved, but Cracker couldn’t tell how much of it was genuine and how much of it was forced. It didn’t matter how normal Aquaria was acting, he was still going to talk to him.

They were assigned a ball challenge, three looks total, one that had to be made from scratch. It was going to be a busy day.

The only thing on his mind was trying to execute this martian look. But he could hear how excited Aquaria was to have another design challenge. It was amusing to listen to him try to explain his look to Monique. Predictably, he wasn’t doing a very good job of it. Cracker looked around and could see Monique and Blair looking at Aquaria with the same incredulous expression. He had to choke down a laugh. Secretly, he thought the look was incredibly basic, but he was trying to play nice. It wouldn’t do anyone any good for him to share his opinions of Aquaria’s work. Negativity was what he was trying to avoid.

When they broke for lunch, he spent most of it eating and laughing with Monet. Aquaria was close by, but he didn’t want to talk to him when everyone else was around.

Finally, when mostly everyone had finished their food, he found Aquaria alone, sipping a Red Bull and doodling in his design book.

“Hey,” he said, causing him to jump in surprise. He looked up at him, and Cracker couldn’t quite read his expression, but he thought it looked cautious.

“Hi,” he politely replied. 

It felt awkward but there was no turning back now. It needed to be said. “Do you have a second?” He swallowed his nerves. “I feel like I need to make something clear to you.”

He could see panic flash across Aquaria’s face. Guilt twisted in his stomach at the sight. Had he really made him that scared of him?

He sighed and sat down before he could say anything. “Look Aquaria, I feel like we didn’t get a chance to really talk things through. And if there’s still some miscommunication, we need to clear it up.”

Aquaria swallowed and nodded slowly, still looking apprehensive. “Okay...”

He looked him in the eye before saying the lines he’d been rehearsing in his head all day. “I mentioned it before, but I want to reiterate.” His voice was strong, emphasizing the importance of his next words. “I would never steal from you, or copy you on purpose. That’s not the type of person I am. I would never devalue your work by taking it as mine. I respect what you do, and I think you’re very good at it.”

Aquaria blinked, not sure how to respond. It came out of nowhere but it was so nice to hear, and he wanted to make sure he took this opportunity to reply with everything he had been thinking about it the last couple of days. He only stammered a little when he started speaking. “Thank you. I know you wouldn’t, and I’m sorry I overacted. …It was really ugly. I just got defensive because my looks are…” He gestured uselessly, trailing off, not sure how to explain the doubts he held about himself.

“I know,” Cracker interrupted softly. “I understand, you don’t have to explain.”

Aquaria nodded again, breaking eye contact and shifting uncomfortably. It felt embarrassing to hear that Cracker knew about his insecurities. He didn’t know what to say to that. A sudden touch of his hand made him jump slightly. His stomach fluttered as he looked down to see Cracker had casually taken his hand in a loose grip. His eyes flew back up to see Cracker was now looking at him with a serious glint in his eyes.

“I feel the need to clarify something else, too.”

Aquaria’s insides were quivering, but he didn’t know why. He nodded dumbly, waiting for him to continue.

Cracker made sure his voice was clear and direct. “I don’t hate you.” He could see how Aquaria’s eyes widened in surprise. It was unexpected, he knew that, but he needed him to hear it. “I was mad, yes. Your accusation hurt. But I can see now why you were hurt by it, too. And I don’t hate you for it.”

Was he ready to completely forgive what Aquaria had said about him, behind his back but in front of the world? No. But he was ready to move past it.

Aquaria was speechless. His mind was blank, he couldn’t come up with something to even try to stutter through a reply with.

Cracker didn’t wait for a response. “I don’t want this to become our storyline. I want to stand out for being my most authentic self. Not someone else.” He became more animate, trying to lighten the mood by lightly laughing and letting go of Aquaria’s hand to gesture toward him. “And I know you want to make a statement by being your most extravagant self, too.”

Everything Cracker was saying was causing a weight to be lifted from Aquaria’s shoulders. It was like every mistake he had been stressing over was being wiped clean and forgiven. Cracker’s genuinely friendly smile made him finally break out of his shock. He gave a small, hopeful smile back. “I’m so glad you said that. And I want you to know I really didn’t mean it like it came across. I would never question your career’s integrity.” Cracker nodded. It felt nice to be able to finally tell him this, but he still felt the need to come clean about the rest their problems, too. His skin flushed and he suddenly felt nervous to mention it. “I want to explain though… why I distanced myself from you back in New York.”

Cracker’s smile faded and he looked a little taken back. “Oh?”

Aquaria bit the inside of his lip, not sure how to begin. “Everyone kept comparing us. It was hard… because I didn’t want to be known for that. I just wanted to be me. And then people kept telling me how similar the things you were doing were to the things I did- and I’m not saying they were,” he quickly clarified. “That’s just what I kept hearing. It made me feel…less special. I didn’t want to be under your shadow, and the only way I could think of to stand out from you was… to distance myself.”

Cracker watched Aquaria talk in silent surprise. He wasn’t expecting him to bring up their past. To be honest, he hadn’t expected any type of closure on that front. He had been prepared to revive their relationship with no knowledge as to why it had ended to begin with. But he listened dutifully, nodding along.

It made sense, and it helped him understand Aquaria a little better. It certainly helped him realize that the downfall to their friendship wasn’t his fault. It was somewhat of a relief. “I understand.” His lips turned upward into a small grin. “Although, you know, you could have just told me instead of cutting me off without an explanation.” And leaving him to wonder what he did wrong…

Aquaria’s smile was guilty. “I didn’t want to admit that it was something I was insecure about.” He looked sheepish. “I’m sorry. It was selfish and immature, but it was easier and I was embarrassed.”

Cracker was stunned. He had never heard Aquaria own up to his mistakes so candidly. “Well, the fact that you’re admitting it to me now says something. Thanks for being honest.” He gave an airy laugh. “Even if it was belated.” 

Aquaria’s smile became genuine, eyes crinkling, and Cracker took that as a sign that he had accomplished what he set out to do. He stood up, stretching. It wasn’t physically tiring, but that conversation was a lot of mental work. “So are we actually good now? Not just playing at it like before?”

Aquaria nodded, laughing softly. “Yeah. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me about it though.” He wanted to tell him how much he needed to hear it, how much of a burden the talk had lifted from his mind, but he had already embarrassed himself in front Cracker enough for one day. Or lifetime.

“Good, because I need to focus on winning. And I want to do that with my face, not yours, bitch.” He joked, causing Aquaria to laugh again. “Well, I’ll leave you to your sketching. See you later.” He gave one last small smile before turning and walking away.

Aquaria waved, silently watching him walk away. Sketching was the last thing on his mind now.

When Cracker got back to his station, he could finally focus on his work without anything else nagging at him and trying to snatch his attention. He wasn’t completely forgiving Aquaria, but at least now they could truly move forward and start fresh with no awkward baggage in their way. He would still keep his guard up around him, but now this storyline could be put to rest, and he could focus on what he came here for without Aquaria occupying his mind half the time. It was time to move on and let him go.

Meanwhile thoughts were flashing around Aquaria’s head, too fast to grab onto, but all of them about Cracker. He watched him from across the room, stomach still fluttering and feeling relieved but confused. The talk had satisfied some of the questions he had about their relationship, but also caused new ones to arise, ones he couldn’t even properly form yet. The inside of his body hadn’t stopped vibrating since Cracker had grabbed his hand.

He didn’t know why he was suddenly so concerned with what Cracker thought about him. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized this wasn’t a new development at all. He had always cared. Now being here with him, and with everything that had happened between them, it was just so much more intense.

That didn’t explain _why_ he cared though. Or why his skin buzzed with electricity and his stomach flipped when Cracker touched his hand. Or why he couldn’t stop staring at him now.

Or why he didn’t want to.


End file.
